Saturday, June 12, 2004

Why We Are Sorry

Is this anecdotial fact urban legend or not? During World War II, German soldiers on the Easter Front received a phrasebook including 3,000 Russian words and phrases, and “Sorry” was not one of them.

Saying sorry can mean you show respect for the other person’s status. (There is a nice old caricature of two people bowing so deeply in front of each other they nearly touch the floor – the caricature is titled “two people meeting, both thinking the other to be of higher status”).

Sometimes, a lack of sorryness is bad. But sometimes, too much sorryness can be worse.

You know there are languages which don’t have the word “sorry"? A social network might be too tight and interdependent for anybody to put shame on individuals. Every mistake will hurt the group as whole, badly, and everybody knows.

Words like “sorry”, “thanks”, and “please” strengthen social relationships – the linguist calls this interpersonal, as opposed to textual or experimental. These words do not carry information on their own but are a way of saying “we depend on each other”. They also show this dependency is in need of being pointed out, and strengthened.

The word “sorry” is also a good indicator something went wrong. A German proverb says “if you defend yourself, you are also accusing yourself”.

I’m curious. Googling “Sorry”, I find people excuse themselves because:

• The requested page could not be found.
• The page requested is temporarily unavailable.
• Your browser doesn’t have cookies enabled.
• Your browser doesn’t have JavaScript.
• The system has encountered an error.
• The page requested has moved.
• The system is busy.
• The feature is no longer available.
• A service is discontinued.
• The company has declared bankruptcy.
• The section is restricted to members only.
• The site is in progress of redesign.
• The page is only available in Russian.
• This is the last issue.
• They are not looking for new employees.
• This years class is full.
• The slides for presentation are not available at the time.
• There is no advice available.
• The faces on the student photos are blurry.
• They cause inconvenience.
• Their president is an idiot.
• The email page is broken and will be fixed later.
• They cannot offer vet care.
• There are problems with the product.
• There are no PDF copies which can be offered.
• The site runs on Java only.
• The site closed permanently.
• They are inable to hold places for prospective students.
• They did not reply.
• They don’t handle travel information.
• They do not have a toll free number.
• You wish to cancel their subscription.
• Their inability to hold reservations before receipt of a deposit.
• There are no openings at this time.
• You missed their conference.
• There was misinformation in the foregoing news post.
• The service cannot be offered to families.
• The card decks are not available for direct sale.
• There are various inconveniences to your schedule.
• They cannot answer your mail with a personal letter.
• They see you go.
• Your bank account has been temporarily closed.

That’s a lot of sorryness online. Which means quite a lot of things go wrong.

When did you say “sorry” the last time? Think back – and ask yourself if maybe instead of saying you’re sorry, you could focus on fixing the problem causing all the sorryness. Because being sorry doesn’t mean you will get away with it. Not next time. Not if people around you depend on you.

And if that sounded like a lecture, then I’m truly – ah, you know what I mean.

Why We Are Sorry by Philipp Lenssen

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