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Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Google Porn: A Play in One Act

LARRY PAGE: “In 2007 we ought to take the adult industry by storm.”
SERGEY BRIN: “It’s not easy, it’s a large field with lots of players...”
ERIC SCHMIDT: “How can we crush competition?”
LARRY: “We could start with a onebox above search results. Something like...”
SERGEY: “... ’were you looking for: porn?’”
LARRY: “Yeah, like that. Or maybe with a little clustering, data mining and PornRank in the background. So that when you search for ’angelina jolie’ in Google Images, there’ll be an AJAX slider that allows you to adjust the porn range.”
SERGEY: “Like from ’neat’ to ’naughty’ on a 10 points scale.”
LARRY: “Exactly.”

ADAM SAH [enters]: “Guys, I need more servers to make the personalized homepage perform better... users are complaining.”
SERGEY: “Good you’re here Adam, we’re just discussing how to add more porn to Google.”
ADAM [thinking]: “Hmm... how about a ’personalized Google porn page’?”
LARRY: “Yeah, like a Google info portal. Like Google Finance. But for dirty pictures.”
SERGEY: “And videos.”
LARRY: “Yeah, and you’d configure it to your personal tastes. Like, there’d be a ’fetish’ dropdown menu, and you can pick anything from bikini pics to [truck drives by the window, obfuscates speaking] to celebrity snapshots etc.”
SERGEY: “We might even suggest a new fetish based on the mixture of other fetish selections.”
ERIC: “Will there be midget porn?”

LARRY: “I think we also ought to allow adult videos to be submitted to Google Video. And YouTube. We already have a mature & adult genre, but I think we really need to promote it more.”
SERGEY: “Yeah, like, we can use our billions to pay for some adult content and then make it free on our sites.”
ERIC: “Does that crush the competition?”
LARRY: “We could also offer premium versions of Google Picasa web albums so people can create their own dirty pics to upload. We can add adult tag clouds and stuff to the Picasa homepage.”
[ADAM leaves, whistling]

LARRY: “I think there’s an adult niche in almost everything we do. We just need some global setting in the Google Account, something like ’gimme porn (on/ off)’. Or else people will complain.”
SERGEY: “Yeah, this way it won’t be evil, just a user setting.”
LARRY: “Think about it... once the setting’s activated, we can deliver porn to your Gmail inbox...”
SERGEY: “... offer users to translate foreign porn pages ...”
LARRY: “... search through OCR’d porn books and magazines ...”
SERGEY: “... create adult-oriented Google groups ...”
LARRY: “... tailor Google News to cover the sex industry ...”
SERGEY: “... ’find a brothel near you’ on Google Maps ...”
LARRY: “... ’let Google Desktop download porn in the background’ ...”
SERGEY: “... ’shop for porn with Froogle’ ...”
LARRY: “... ’write adult fan fiction in Google Writely’ ...”
SERGEY: “... ’calculate your size with Google Spreadsheets’ ...”
LARRY, SERGEY [together, jumping up on the table] “Mobile porn! Google Base porn! Calendar porn! Blogger porn! Google Pack porn! Porn Earth! Adult Checkout! Sketchup 3D porn!”
[MARISSA MAYER enters unnoticed, stands in the background with a worried look on her face; voices fade into silence]

MARISSA: “Uhm, guys?!”
ERIC: “Marissa, roll in the masterplan whiteboard. And bring lots of black markers.”

[Thanks Peter!]


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