Saturday, August 9, 2003

Inventions of the Google Empire

The Google lab is cooking up new tools at light-speed and makes sure to fuel the biggest fears of paranoid Google-watchers. Let’s say Google continues growing at its current speed, adding features weekly — what could be in store for us in Googlotopia 2020? Nothing else but the total monopoly in every market related (and unrelated) to searching the Web — the coming of the Google Empire.

Google Mail

Get your own email account. Would sound much better than @hotmail.com. They would put a team of expert linguists getting to work on a spam filter which actually works. They know how to filter content.

Google Windows Search

Have you ever tried using the Windows XP search? You will have to go through a bunch of selection boxes, telling the Operating System what exactly it is you’re looking for. Music? People? Places? Internet? Recipees, or clothes? All the while, a little dog on the left downside is giving you an annoying stare. If he could speak, he’d probably say: “I know you’re just looking for a file on your C-drive, but it gives me sadist pleasure to see you being all confused.”

A Google-based search would really be well. Less is more — we would be going back to a simple input box. Just think about it; Google offers you to search millions of pages, full-text, and it’s giving back results in split-seconds. Windows on the other hand will let you search say a thousand files, if you’re working with your computer a lot. And it takes many minutes to give you back results, and that’s phrase search only! Microsoft could really learn a lesson or two from Google Inc.

The Google Computer

The Google computer would be online all the time. It would not only use its free time to help Google index the web. Google search, Google Groups, Google News, everything is build right into the OS.

Google Pet Dog

This would be the Sony Aibo of the future: a little robot dog that would find things you lost in your household. It would run around your home all day, analyzing all the locations, things within them, and movements of the things during the week. Googot could be trained to learn any language, and it would react to keyphrases over time. Mom will scream through the living room, “Bring me my car key!”, and little Googot gets busy sniffing the environment. Five seconds later, he’ll come running, keys in his mouth, looking up with his little dog eyes and asking for nothing more then having his batteries reloaded for the next day. I’d buy one.

Google Dating

Google knows all about keywords, and matching related sites. They got what it takes to build a great dating service. Google Matchmaker would be free to use for a week, and then every single in the world will be so addicted because he now finds a dozen emails from soulmates all over the world waiting in his inbox. (Google would of course misuse their new user search-words tracking.) In fact, Google Matchmaker could become pro-active, scan websites (and the Blogger blogs, which they aquired) of people looking for love, and send out emails telling them of their best match... someone who’s also looking for love online..

Google Jobfinder

With the biggest Web database available, this one should be a piece of cake. Monster.com and Stepstone would be left in the dust. This would be the Google Matchmaker for the jobless.

Adult Google

While we’re on the topic of jobless singles, aren’t the shady side-alleys of the adult industry just waiting to be lit by the torch of Google search technology? Who else could build the busiest and most relevant portal, if not the guys from Google Inc.? The phallic lava-lamp would be lighting the site in desire-arousing, softish pink.

Google Website Builder

Google recently entered the realms of content management systems by getting Pyra under their hood. They might as well extend the system, and bring a more general page-publishing software online. Good rankings and latest search engine tips would be offered for those that pay the extra fee.

Googstock

Googstock would be a hip rock festival. Probably becoming a big flop, because of all the geeky attendants and negative media exposure. Still worth a shot if they’re ever out of ideas.

The Googleburger

I truly don’t know what they would put in the Googleburger, but it would have to be of the colors blue, yellow and green... and served in a single second.

The Google Brain Chip

Ever had a question, but no computer? The Google search implant would be connecting directly to your brain. Think of any keyword, then think of the word “Google” (it would take some practice), and you’d suddenly find new memories of everything related to the topic. Even though this chip would certainly feature a hefty price tag, you’d be the star of every intellectual late-night conversation.

Googleplex Hotel Chain

Good hotels are all about good service. The Googleplex hotel chain could establish itself as middle-priced room rental for the busy traveller. Computers in every room, of course.

Google - The Movie

Follow the adventures of young tech entrepeneurs Sergei (Tom Cruise) and Larry (Dustin Hoffmann) making it big-time in the online business. The grandest advertising campaign in Hollywood history would make sure to make word-of-mouth — after all, it might not be the most exciting movie — completely irrelevant. (The Brin/ Page toy dolls coming with the Making-Of Anniversary DVD would make sure it sells as well.)

Inventions of the Google ... by Philipp Lenssen

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